


Roman Thinks Virgil is a Vampire

by Writing01



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Himbo Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Light Angst, Misunderstandings, Vampire!Virgil, Vampires, crack!fic, im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:35:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing01/pseuds/Writing01
Summary: inspired by this post: https://sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes.tumblr.com/post/630985329620516864/this-is-exactly-how-i-imagined-it-thanks-kindThe Dark Sides are nocturnal, and Virgil doesn't realize that that isn't the norm for the Light Sides.Chaos ensues of misunderstandings and attempts at kindness and love.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton
Comments: 43
Kudos: 101





	Roman Thinks Virgil is a Vampire

Virgil noticed that Roman was being weird almost immediately after he’d been formally accepted and invited into their - well, _his_ \- little family.

It had started after he had been on the floor in the corner in the kitchen, drinking from a thermos, by all means minding his own business.

Roman wandered in, dancing a little, bopping to something playing through his red and gold earbuds: Disney themed, if Virgil was to guess. He grabbed a glass from the wooden cabinets above the sink for water. He must not have initially noticed Virgil, because as he popped an ice cube into his cup, he did a double-take accompanied by a yelp, spinning to face his friend.

Virgil obviously jolted, almost dropping his bottle. His eyes snapped to Roman and he jumped to his feet, ready to bail at the first sign of danger.

“Dude, _what?!”_ he exclaimed, panic rising at the outburst.

“You scared me, you absolute sneak! I - _what_ \- were you just sitting on the ground staring at the wall like it - like it - _murdered_ your family all day?” Roman held a hand to his rapidly rising and falling chest, trying to soothe his nerves.

Virgil blinked and snorted, _'all day'_ . He rolled his eyes, his heart rate slowing as well, “Very funny, Princey. I _do_ sleep you know.” He cupped his hands around his drink and sipped, focusing on the sweet flavor. Roman turned to the sink, shaking his head a little, still a little unnerved.

He let water from the silver faucet fill up his cup, “So you’ve just been asleep all day?”

“Eh. Mostly. I stayed up until like eight AM though and I woke up - say, maybe _thirty_ minutes ago? I slept in.”

Roman shut the faucet off and turned his head to look at Virgil, eyes as wide as saucers, “You woke up at nine PM?”

“Uh… yeah? I do have some _semblance_ of a sleep schedule, you know.”

Roman stared at him, not a lick of comprehension behind his eyes. Virgil stared back. 

_“Why?”_

“Why what?”

“Why do you sleep all day? You miss the _animals_ and the _daylight_ and the _sunshi_ \--” Roman stopped mid sentence, and then glanced at the thermos with a look Virgil couldn’t identify. He could almost see a loading gif playing above Roman’s head. 

_"And the sunshine."_

There was a tense few seconds in the kitchen. Virgil briefly considered sinking out to avoid whatever was happening inside Roman's brain. 

Before he could do anything, his companion finally spoke, "Oh."

Virgil didn't miss the solemness in the word.

There was a moment of silence.

“Oh?”

_"Oh.”_

Another moment of silence.

“What?”

“It’s okay Virgil, I understand,” Roman made the sign of the cross over his heart in promise, “your secret is safe with me. You don’t have to lie about this anymore.”

Virgil didn’t move an inch.

“What?”

Roman looked around anxiously for anyone who might hear (silly, given that the only others around were Patton and Logan), before stage-whispering to Virgil conspiringly, “Your--” he motioned haphazardly to Virgil’s drink.

Virgil held it up questioningly, “My… _coffee?”_

Roman shook his head softly, making his way to the doorway, “It’s alright, Virgil. I support you.”

He left the room.

Virgil stared down at his thermos.

_“What?”_

Ever since then, it had been getting weirder. Not only was Roman giving him frequent weird glances across rooms, but he was lying to the others about Virgil’s sleeping patterns.

It was always the same: Logan or Patton would ask why they never saw Virgil out and about; Virgil would be about to explain that he made it a point to spend at least an hour in the living room each night in case someone else was hanging out, that he wasn't _trying_ to avoid them, when Roman would cut in. He'd act suspicious and weird, spouting about how he and Virgil hang out all the time and that they must have been watching a Disney movie when the others were looking for him.

Virgil would exchange a confused glance with him, but he would only nod reassuringly to Virgil.

The others would stare at the pair, seeming as in the dark as Virgil.

It reached an especially weird peak about two weeks later.

Logan had caught Virgil in the living room around ten PM. Virgil tried to smile at him from the couch, feeling awkward despite choosing his spot specifically to talk to the others and strengthen their relationship.

Logan sat down a foot away next to him, clearing his throat. Virgil took note of a stack of papers and binders he carried in with him.

Then he'd started in: “Virgil, is it okay if Patton and I talked to you and Roman?”

Dread and terror spiked inside of him and Virgil wanted nothing more than to book it to his room. The first time his plan of waiting around for someone to talk to him worked, and he was about to be reprimanded.

_Calm down, come on. Cognitive distortions, cognitive distortions, Virgil, you’re okay._

“Fine by me of course!” It wasn’t. If Logan took note of his voice being an octave higher than normal, he didn't mention it to him.

Virgil smiled and nodded at Logan. “Where’s Pat and Ro?”

Logan pointed to the kitchen, “Patton is pretending to get water while listening to this conversation, and… I, perhaps prematurely, assumed _you_ knew where Roman is.”

Virgil was about to ask why Logan would think that as Patton popped out sheepishly from the kitchen, holding a very dry cup.

“Sorry kiddos, it’s just that I’ve been worried too but I didn’t want to say anything in case I made you feel uncomfortable,” Patton shrugged.

“Worried? About me and Roman?” Logan and Patton spared a glance at each other and nodded to Virgil.

“Oh. But he and I don’t fight as much anymore. We’re fine?”

Logan shook his head, “No, no, you misunderstand us. I - Perhaps we should bring Roman into this conversation as well, right Patton?”

Pat nodded energetically, so the three collected Roman and retook their seats.

The situation held an especially awkward atmosphere.

Patton cleared his throat, “You - We -” he struggled, _"I'm gay."_

Roman and Virgil looked at him. Logan nodded very seriously. 

“Cool...”

Patton stuttered awkwardly. “I am, like - _so_ gay. I like men, an - and _dating_ men, and if I was a person instead of a side, I would marry a man too, just so I would be legally obligated to date him forever - because I’m.” he cleared his throat and gestured noncommunicatively, “You know. _Gay._ Really, really gay.”

Patton nodded and looked from Roman to Virgil.

“Oh.”

“Yep,” Patton said. He motioned to Logan. _“Logan_ is gay too.”

Roman and Virgil looked from Patton to Logan.

Logan shrugged, unashamed. “I am, as the youths say -” _he pulled notecards out of his pocket and sorted through urgently -_ “thirsty -” _(_ ‘desperate for romantic or sexual reciprocation’ _read the card -)_ “for Tony Stark of the MCU.”

Roman and Virgil were stunned into silence. By the ‘thirsty’ thing or the Tony Stark thing, neither was a hundred percent sure.

Logan frowned, misreading their shock as confusion, “I’m saying that I confirm Patton’s statement. I am homosexual, homoromantic. Or gay. I am attracted to men - _exclusively_ men.”

Virgil audibly inhaled, trying to force a cohesive thought. He was still wordless. He closed his mouth and motioned about with his hands, trying his best at charades.

Patton looked at the scene with his head cocked before sparing a glance at Logan without turning his head away from Virgil. Logan shrugged back. His statements certainly seemed sensical to _himself:_ Ironman was an attractive man.

Finally, Roman managed speech. Gesturing to the card, he exclaimed rather intelligently, “HUH?”

Logan pushed up his glasses, and nodded in understanding, “I hold sexual attraction to the character known as Tony Stark played by Robert Downey Junior of the Marvel Cinematic Universe because I myself am very, very gay and _Tony Stark_ -” he flipped to another vocab card, _“_ is a very, very attractive _snacc.”_

Virgil looked at Logan in horror. It was like everytime in Thomas’s high school years a teacher would say _‘epic fail!’_ unironically, condensed into a singular moment.

“HUH.” Repeated Roman.

Virgil nodded in agreement.

Logan scratched the back of his neck and looked at Patton, “I don’t think they’re getting it.”

Patton nodded to Logan and spoke to Roman and Virgil: “Logan and I are trying to say that as proud, gay men, we _welcome_ queer relationships and that this mindscape is a _welcoming environment_ to everyone regardless of orientation.”

There was a beat of silence.

Virgil narrowed his eyes thoughtfully and observed the floor. “I feel like I’m on the receiving end of that time Thomas found out his roommate was homophobic and wanted to gently and subtly threaten him into _not_ being a prick.”

Roman grunted in agreement, nodding and studying them as well, “Either that or you’re trying to tell us the two of you have entered a romantic relationship.”

Virgil chose to ignore Roman’s addition, “I - _guys,_ all of us here are proudly gay, we’re not closeted homophobes.”

“Yes!” Said Pat. “Absolutely. All of us are gay and we will always love and respect each other because _we are a family._ Right, Logan?”

Logan nodded, opening his binders and papers. “You will see here that I have collected pages and essays and articles as well as extensive case studies examining what makes people queer and why society should welcome and accept queer people -”

Roman shoved his face into his hands, “Good God, are you trying to convince us that being gay is okay? Logan, everyone here is a gay disaster! We don’t _need_ convincing!”

Patton shook his head, “No, no, that’s not what we’re saying! We just -”

Virgil sighed mournfully and clasped his hands in mock prayer, “Pat, please just tell us what’s going on. No beating around the bush. _Please.”_

“Yes, yes of course,” Logan started, “it’s just that…” he trailed off, looking to Patton for support, “we would never want to force anyone to reveal something about themselves that they didn't want -”

“Cut to the chase, E-Logan Musk!”

_“That was a good one.”_

_“I know, right?”_

Patton cut into their side conversation, “You guys don’t have to hide that you’re - _if you’re!_ I meant _‘if_ you’re’ dating! We will always accept and love you no matt--”

_“Excuse me?!” “WhAT!?”_

For once that whole night, everyone was simultaneously caught off guard.

“You two…”

“You’re not dating, are you?”

No one spoke. 

Virgil started laughing hysterically.

 _“I’m_ so _confused.”_

“Absolutely! Why would you think that _Vee_ and _I_ are in a _relationship?_ Uh… no offense Virgil…”

Patton scratched the back of his neck in discomfort, “Well not to call you out, but everytime we ask _Virgil_ why we never see him, _you_ start acting - well, _weird._ About it.”

“This confused me too.” 

“Same with me, and I’m _directly_ involved!” Virgil added.

Roman shot him a look. Virgil couldn't decipher it.

Roman looked from Virgil to the rest, “I - Can Virgil and I speak privately for a moment?”

Not for the first time that night, panic shot through Virgil.

Patton and Logan agreed, leaving to the hall.

“Roman…?”

“What do you want me to say?” 

“About?”

“You know! The _thing.”_

Virgil shrugged, “Be more specific?”

“Virgil… you _know_ that I know.”

Virgil chewed his bottom lip, tugging at his finger.

Roman swallowed. He didn't understand why Virgil was still insisting on the act - didn't he trust him?

"Do you - do you _mind_ that I know? Would you mind if they did?"

Virgil swallowed the dread in his throat. _You have nothing to hide. You don’t. Start acting like it._ His heart rate slowed.

“ _I_ don’t even know what you’re talking about, Ro.”

And what in the world was Roman supposed to do with that? He deflated.

"I'm gonna tell them. You can deny it if you want, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Virgil, and it's not like you're making this easy for me. I don't want to... _out you,_ or whatever, but seriously? Anything? Just say something."

Virgil dug his nails into his crossed arms. _Does Roman know?_

He swallowed, and took a chance. "It's fine. Tell them."

Roman, as solemn as ever when it came to this apparently serious subject, nodded. "Thank you Virgil."

His friend only shrugged half-heartedly in response.

The two called their fellows back.

Patton and Logan sat before them, expectant.

Roman took a deep breath and looked to Virgil for reassurance.

Virgil shrugged and nodded, seeming not to know what to expect.

“Virgil is a vampire.”

Virgil blinked.

_Well._

He certainly hadn’t been expecting that.

“No, I’m not.”

“Agreed. _That’s_ impossible; why did you draw that conclusion, Roman?”

“His sleep schedule!” Patton blurted, realization dawning his face.

“My sleep schedule? What’s wrong with my sleep schedule?” Virgil wondered aloud.

“Is _that_ why we never see you during the day?”

“No, it’s not his sleep schedule, I just said, he’s a vampire!”

“Guys, my sleep schedule is fine…?”

“Roman, I _still_ don’t understand why you’re convinced he’s a vampire.”

“He’s a vampire because of his sleep schedule!”

“You just explained that it _isn't_ his sleep schedule!”

_“Oh Virge, why didn’t you tell us you’re a vampire?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> word count 2 220

**Author's Note:**

> I regret writing this almost as much as you regret reading it :-) end me
> 
> thank you for reading and I hope you all stay safe and healthy; my tumblr is rainrainw01


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